I'm on the verge of breaking down...

My creativity is flat out gone at the moment.
I come to the realization that my poetry could be just simple sweet lies to comfort myself...Or maybe I'm committing suicide through words. (Alexis wrote something, So the point of this line is her's).

I try every little thing I can think of to get my mind off of thinking.
Mangas, Video games, Watch amvs, just anything...
Because if I sit there and let myself think, I'm afraid of understanding myself.

I'm afraid of getting older...
Adults just seem to fuck up their own lives...or they stay through it all even when the circumstances are dreadful.
I'm also unsure of what I'm going to do with myself, I can't picture any of my future.

I'm happy I act immature,
But the way I think is far beyond that...
Yes, my mind may be someplace else every other second but I think about stuff that means most to me in this world.
The questions that I try to fill my mind with lately are just little questions I could always answer, like my favorite color...I don't have one anymore. I don't know what my favorite food is anymore either.
I guess those questions don't really matter anymore...I ask my questions that not even a single person can answer.
Maybe I'm not mature, just full of questions and longing for answers.

So...I have a thought...I actually just saw something I want for my future,
I don't want to stay here.
I want to get away from this place, It's not that I hate the people, they're people I really love here but this town is just so lame.
I need flat out change.

I've lost the ability to know what I want for myself a few years ago...
I don't quite know which year, but it's happened over the years.
I've also went from being depressed (who on the inside had an intense amount of hope) to insanely immature/annoying/happy (who on the inside is a cold and bitter person).
I have the potential to be a very vicious person and only a few people a experience this and I scared that is not as bad as I can be. To all these people, I am truly sorry and I wish I could make things right but it's like a scar you remember the incident every time you look at yourself.
I understand myself to no extent...

I end up drifting away from my friends...
This makes me sad but it's something I've realized over my continuing lifetime.
I sorry to all the friends I've lost!

I'm gonna sleep for two hours now, then get ready for school...